Unlocking the Secrets to a B.O.L.D. Marriage: Building, Overcoming, Learning, & Dreaming

What does a BOLD marriage look like? Let’s break down some foundational concepts required to create and maintain a BOLD marriage that honors God.

Build together

Marriage starts out with two individuals becoming one. Mark 10:8-9 says “and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” If you begin your marriage with the belief that you are simply combining two individual lives, in other words, two separate people remaining the same, you are mistaken, at least based on what we see in the Bible. 

What exactly do I mean by this? According to God and His Word, you are no longer two, you have become one. You have to be willing to take that seriously. This doesn’t mean you are no longer your own person, but it does mean a whole lot has to change. You can’t just carry all your individualism into the marriage and expect your spouse to adapt to you, and your spouse can’t do that either. You both have to build something new as one flesh. God made you two unique and amazing individuals and put you together with the intent of merging you into one. He wants you to join together as one unit, not have each of you seeking to overpower the other with your individuality, or by continuing to live your separate lives together under one roof.

I believe firmly that this separate-ness of many couple leads to broken or unhappy marriages in the long run.

So how do we build together out of this state of oneness? We can learn a lot about this by reading Proverbs 24:3. It says “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;” It is by the wisdom of God that your house will be built. You cannot build your new life together based on old patterns of thinking, your upbringing, your own personal desires and aspirations. You must build your house by seeking God’s wisdom together and walking by it. This of course involves the simple day to day things, like how you spend your time and energy, how you use your money, new traditions, holidays, time with family and friends, etc. You need to discuss these things and make decisions together.

To build a new home together as one you have to work together, utilizing each others' strengths and God-given personalities, and seeking the wisdom of God, in every aspect of life. This can only be done by understanding. To establish your new life as one and build together you must make it your goal to understand your partner and to understand your new state of oneness. 

First thing to go: any form of manipulation. What do I mean by this? Often in marriage there is one spouse that is more controlling and overbearing, and one who is more easily controlled and manipulated. Which are you? Has your partner simply caved and given you control to appease you and your behaviors? If so, your marriage is not built on the wisdom and understanding of God. You will need to go back to the drawing board and start over. By this point your partner may not even remember who they are, as they have simply become who you want them to be. Maybe this is working out for you, but trust me, it has destroyed your spouse. Start by having some deep conversations together about your differences and how joining as one should actually look.

Chris and I are alike in a lot of ways, but extremely different in others. This can be seen in how we parent. I focus more on feelings, and this sometimes impacts my ability to both discipline and train my kids. Chris can be less focused on how correction feels, and more concerned with teaching valuable life skills. So how does this look as one? We have learned to focus on validation of feelings, correction of unhealthy behaviors, and learning of life skills. Chris helps me, and I help him, versus each of us doing things our own way, leading to confusion and conflict. If I chose to keep my focus simply on how my kids feel I certainly wouldn’t encourage them to do hard things that make them feel “bad.”

A very recent example is coming to my mind. Our daughter was terrified to ride her bike without training wheels. When I say this caused her emotional distress it is an understatement. Honestly it made me kind of mad at first when Chris made her do it. Had it been up to me I would have coddled her and told her she never had to ride a bike again! But I chose to allow my husband to do what was best for her. We decided TOGETHER that she needed to at least learn, and once she did, she didn’t have to ride if she didn’t want to (this was our compromise).  

I then watched Chris lovingly and patiently teach her, despite her over the top emotional outbursts during. I could not have done what he did. After many weeks of this, my girl was riding a bike all on her own, no training wheels. The JOY and excitement on her face was priceless. Afterward we talked about how amazing she is and how she CAN do hard things. What a self-esteem builder! She was so happy her daddy encouraged her to do hard things. And although she didn’t know it, I’m sure she would be happy to know her mommy didn’t put a stop to it based on feelings and discomfort. Was this hard for me at times? Yes. Did I want to intervene based on my own way of doing things? Yes. Did Chris want to get impatient and invalidate her emotions? Yes. But because we chose to approach this as one, accepting and understanding each others' differences, allowing those things to positively impact us, something truly beautiful happened.

Here is another example: Let’s say you get married and find out your wife wants to spend a lot of time at her parent’s house and calls her mom for advice on every little circumstance she faces. Maybe she never learned healthy independence. You on the other hand are very independent and capable of making sound decisions. Indecisiveness isn’t exactly a weakness for you. What does becoming one look like here? For starters your wife needs to let go of her dependence on her parents and develop some healthy boundaries. You also need to ensure she doesn’t transfer this dependence to you. As her husband, you need to help her find herself and discover her ability to make decisions WITH you by seeking God’s wisdom. One tip to accomplishing this is to have your wife make as many decisions as possible. When she isn’t sure what to do, don’t decide for her on your own. Encourage her to think about the situation, consider the options, pray and seek God, and then decide together. Then validate her ability to make decisions and act on them. She will likely seek to carry over her innocently unhealthy behaviors of dependence into the marriage - you can’t allow this to happen. You will likely seek to continue your independence, and this can’t happen either. It is important you learn to place a healthy amount of dependence on her, and that she learn a healthy amount of independence. Isn’t becoming one a beautiful thing?

In these examples it is very obvious how godly wisdom and understanding are key components in building a new life together with your spouse. Place priority on seeking God for wisdom, and on figuring out how He wants to merge two amazing and unique individuals He joined together. Thankfully as you seek God’s wisdom on how to do this, He will reveal things to you and direct you.

 Overcome together

This builds on the previous concept. It is so important to face challenges and overcome together, and not individually. To be so direct, you cannot have a bold and God-honoring marriage without this. This can only happen when you choose to let your spouse in on what’s going on for you, and when you choose to be there for what’s going on for your spouse. Both are equally important. Plenty of people share their burdens with their spouses, only to experience a lack of support. This is detrimental. Adversely, plenty of spouses want to offer support, but their partner won’t let them in. Equally as detrimental. Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

A good check-in, are you struggling with fear? Are you experiencing sadness or pain about something? Are you angry? Talk to your spouse and let them know what’s happening for you. Be open and honest. And when your spouse shares these things with you, be available to carry it with them. Ask your spouse what they need from you, don’t just assume you know. Maybe you just need to listen, maybe a solution is needed, maybe your spouse just needs to be held, prayed for, encouraged. The love and closeness that is built in these moments is incredible. This deepens connection. This fulfills the law of Christ. How amazing is that? Don’t you want this for your marriage? I have personally been dealing with some significant health issues lately that have led to some significant emotional breakdowns. There have been times when Chris finds me in a tough spot, and he just holds me and prays for me. I ALWAYS feel so much better and so loved when this happens. A moment of love and connection is created from a painful burden. Pay attention to what you feel as well. God will alert you when your spouse needs you. There are times I have an unsettled feeling for Chris, I pray and ask God “What does my husband need right now? How can I pray for him?” Then God reveals whatever that is and I pray and intercede for my husband. I always let him know I prayed for him and this makes him feel loved and supported. This is what happens in marriage when you make it your goal to think about your spouse and overcome together.

In addition to bearing each others burdens, overcoming together involves unifying when faced with challenges. When hard things come, it’s easy to become stressed and emotional. How you treat each other is key here. I have failed at this many times, and thankfully I’m learning to do things differently. There have been times when Chris is stressed about something that’s going on in our life and acts closed off or irritated. Sometimes I choose to take it personally, which has resulted in me getting mad at him, verses being supportive and understanding based on the situation. I am learning to take a step back, assess what’s going on, and show my husband some grace for his behavior. He has had to do the same for me. When a challenge comes your way, make a choice not to make your spouse your enemy, but to unify and face the challenge together.  

Learn together

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” How humble must he have been to make a statement like this considering who he was? If your goal is to always be learning, you leave no room for pride. This is so important for a bold marriage. Couples who learn together understand that they don’t have all the answers, and that there is always room for correction. These couples are focused on both learning from each other, and learning new things together. A willingness to learn from each other creates an atmosphere of respect and validation. Not only that, learning together is fun! Chris and I both love to learn new things. This creates a spark of curiosity and excitement and has led to many fun and new experiences.  

Additionally, we are always encouraging and supporting each other in our individual areas of growth. He supports me when I tell him there is a new, and sometimes very expensive, trauma certification I want to do, and then he acts excited when I come back and tell him what I learned. I support him in his learning surrounding business and investing, and then I get excited for him to teach me all about it. We watch interesting documentaries together, learn to cook new meals together, learn to speak Spanish together. We learned how to write a book together, something neither of us had ever done. We have learned all about our individual spiritual giftings together and how to walk in them. the list goes on. All of these things have created new and exciting experiences for us, making life a lot more interesting. This concept carries over into every area of life. From parenting, to sexual intimacy, to personal growth, to fun and friendship. Start learning together and discover how this can really enhance your boldness and connection.

Dream together

Bold couples dream together! This is such a key concept for creating a bold and godly marriage. Do you and your spouse have a vision for your life together? Do you ever set goals for your marriage? What do you want your marriage and life together to represent and accomplish? These are very important questions to ask and answer. If you’ve never considered this before I encourage you to do so now. God is a God of purpose. There is a divine reason He joined you and your husband or wife together and He wants you to discover what that is and walk in it. The dreams you have for your marriage will be different than what you see playing out in other marriages, so don’t compare to a dream based on them. What does God want for your marriage? Ask Him to show you. And then when He does, get excited about it! Start planning together how you will accomplish the amazing things God wants to do in and through your marriage. This can create amazing unity and excitement in your marriage and puts boredom to rest. Maybe you already have a dream within you, but have been to afraid to share it with your spouse. Overcome that fear and start talking. I remember when Chris first told me he believed God wanted us to write a book about marriage. Honestly, I had a lot of uncertainty and doubt. Once we started talking about it, praying about it together, and planning it out, the excitement started to build. God then gave me the vision and dream as well and inspired us to accomplish that dream together. Dreaming together and acting on those dreams is such a big part of our marriage and has resulted in so much beauty and depth between us. You can experience the same!

In collusion, BOLD marriages require that couples: Build together, Overcome together, Learn together, and Dream together. Start applying these valuable concepts today and you will be on your way to a bold marriage!

And…shameless plug, but this post is at the core of the book we wrote, A Little Book for a Bold Marriage. If you liked this post and want to read more, we highly encourage you to check it out!