Then & Now: A Great Therapy-based Check-up for Your Marriage

Hopefully stating the obvious up front, but how you think and feel about your spouse is of utmost importance. This determines so much in your marriage every single day, including how you act toward and treat each other. Think about it, if I feel excited about my husband and I think he’s an amazing man I’m going to be happy to see him and I’m going to act loving toward him. If I’m feeling angry or bitter toward him and think he’s a jerk, I’m most likely going to act standoffish and cold. The level and state of your marital connection is highly dependent on these thoughts, feelings, and actions toward one another. Ensuring that these are mostly positive is critical. I say mostly, because all people experience negative thoughts and emotions toward their spouse from time to time – it would be highly abnormal for this not to happen. However, if the negative is exceeding the positive, this spells danger. 

Let’s jump right to some solutions to fight off these negative feelings. I’d like to suggest a brief exercise we use in therapy sessions often.  Start with a blank sheet of paper, a pen, or your phone if you prefer.

FIRST, I want you to reflect for a moment on your wedding day. Take a few minutes to remember what that day was like for you. It’s important not to let any present-day feelings bias you, so really focus. What were you thinking and feeling toward your spouse on that day?  

NEXT, write these thoughts and feelings down on the left side of the paper. Write down as many things as you can think of, all fixed on thoughts around your wedding and the days around it.

NOW, change your focus to today.  What are you thinking and feeling toward your spouse today (or recently)? Be as honest as you can. Write this down on the right side of the paper. Again, don’t stop the list short, keep going until you’re finished.

LASTLY, now is the time to compare what you wrote on the left side to what you wrote on the right side. For some of you, this might be extremely encouraging. Perhaps your feelings and thoughts mirror what they are now. That’s great! Be encouraged and excited about the fact that you are doing something right and your marriage is in a healthy place. 

But, if through this exercise, you’ve noticed that there is a negative shift in your thinking and feeling toward your spouse, something must change. Fortunately, this exercise is intended to draw those things to the surface so they can be, first acknowledged, but then addressed.

No marriage can survive and thrive if one spouse thinks negatively of the other and lacks positive feelings. This indicates brokenness, a breakdown of love and connection, and should not be ignored. 

The Solution. Okay. So what do we do about this? Next step towards resolution, we need to analyze each individual negative thought and feeling separately.

1.     Start with another piece of paper and write what comes to your mind about each one of these negative feelings. If you believe in the amazing power of prayer, ask God to reveal the underlying reason for your thoughts and feelings towards your spouse. This can help uncover the source. Spend time contemplating and praying on these things and search out the deeper root behind the sentiment toward your partner. 

2.     Take the next steps. Once you have done this, you need to decide what action steps to take. Maybe there is something you are holding onto that you haven’t healed from or forgiven your spouse for. Possibly, you are dealing with a critical heart and need to address this. It could be past trauma or pain had been triggered and you are transferring these things onto your spouse. Maybe you’ve both been so distracted and focused on other things that you just aren’t meeting each other’s needs and connecting like you should. Situation dependent, but you might need to reach out to someone for additional help. In client sessions over the years, I’ve directly seen all these things play a significant role in marital issues.

But even more importantly, as a first step, you need to drum up the courage to share what you’ve discovered with your spouse. This might be extremely difficult and uncomfortable for you, but hard things often are. The sad reality is, if you don’t do this, nothing will change. 

So many people are unwilling to admit that their marriages aren’t what they should be because they are afraid of change and the healing process. Instead they go along with it, sometimes in total denial, and sometimes suffering endlessly. This can go on, unresolved, for years. But it doesn’t have to. There are absolutely ways to confront negativity within your marriage and while it may be uncomfortable, it does work! This was just one technique that can start some change you desire in your relationship.

Give this exercise a try and move closer toward the bold marriage you deserve.