Surviving (Thriving!?) the Holidays with Your Spouse
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? As I write this I can almost here the famous Andy Williams song on repeat in the background. The holidays – so great, and yet so capable of striking panic and anxiety into so many of us. A quick Google search of surviving the holidays and one is bombarded with a doom and gloom that would make anyone want to crawl into a dark closet and not emerge until January. Headlines such as: “Make an escape plan”, “Bah Humbug”, “My family doesn’t accept me”, and “Cope Ahead of Time”. No joke, these are some of the top trending articles on the subject.
So, if you’re remotely concerned (aka freaked out) about the Christmas and New Year festivities which await you, I want to assure you – you’re not alone. Take comfort in that. And, if you’re not worries about what lies ahead – definitely take comfort in that!
All kidding aside, as we slide towards the 2nd half of December and 2024 lies right around the corner, it is a great time to reflect on some ways you and your partner can best enjoy this truly wonderful time of the year. We understand that families, dynamics, logistics, relationship nuances, and much more are so dramatically varied. There is certainly no solution that fits for everyone.
However, there are some great principles that can help your marriage not only survive, but thrive, this holiday season.
1. Anticipate – Being aware of what your Christmas and holiday season will look like is a key first step. When plans, calendar schedules, the natural busyness of this season comes as a shock to you, it will create often negative responses. Let’s avoid this when we can. Anticipate plans with family, understand your calendar of events, gatherings, etc. and the ensuing chaos if that’s the case. Getting ahead of shopping, prepping, and yes, even mentally preparing for the activities surrounding Christmas and New Years will best equip you to enjoy the approaching holidays as opposed to a shock factor reaction.
2. Discuss openly – no holding back – Get with your spouse and discuss your solid plans and even all the tentative plans. What have you already committed to? What’s still up in the air? Who’s taking what time off work? What are the school schedules for your kids? All of these things are critically important to discuss as a family. If you’re too busy to have this conversation, make the time to have the conversation.
I firmly believe this component creates so much of the conflict around the holidays. Spouses not being on the same page as each other. Even after discussing you may not be on the same page as each other, and that’s okay. BUT, if you enter conversation with the goal of respecting each other, a good outcome and fair compromise should emerge. Discuss openly. Share feeling. Be direct. But be fair and be a good listener. It’s too often the unspoken tension that can cause ruin in family get-togethers. Don’t let this happen. Talk through all the different variables of your plans around the holidays.
3. Plan Together, make decisions and stay committed to them – After you’ve had your “good talk”, firm up your plans, make decisions that you BOTH agree to, and move on. This is important, not just a continuation of the last point. Having set decisions that you’ve both weighed in on, agreed to and then commit to one another is so important for a healthy holiday season.
4. Do things that energize your marriage – Christmas and New Years shouldn’t be centered around craziness, but rather a time of reflection, relaxation, and enjoyment. Don’t miss this in the busyness of the year. Find things that energize you…projects, day trips, dining, games, etc. etc.
5. Use the down time to your benefit – Linking back to our first point, with the proper anticipation of your time away from work around the holidays, you can create time for yourself as well. Proper planning can help you make good use of this “down time.” While it’s not true for everyone of course, many of us find this time of the year a bit of a slow down in terms of the workplace demands. This must be used to our advantage. The holidays provide us with rest, relaxation, and time to think and contemplate things, but also to recharge and refresh for the new year ahead.
And if you’re not in a job that naturally slows around the holidays (i.e. retail, hospitality, non-profit, etc.) that’s okay. What you could do instead is reposition the time off for the days or weeks following. Plan ahead for the downtime you WILL have after the holidays pass. This too will help you get into the mindset of enjoying the season more than you otherwise would.
6. Look Forward – This is one of my personal favorites. Every year I greatly anticipate the chance for all of the above, sure, but definitely planning and setting goals for the new year is near the top of the list.