3 Tips to Find Selfless Love in Your Marriage

Are you selfless in your marriage? This is a question I need to stay on myself about because I can struggle with selfishness. I used to deny this because I hated the thought so much, which made it hard for me to change. Finally admitting the struggle took away its power and enabled me to make some much-needed changes. If you struggle with selfishness don’t be afraid to admit it. Bringing this to light will open the door to a new way of loving and serving your spouse that will forever change things. This selfless love is transformative. 

Let me share a recent story that will paint a picture of this love I speak of. Chris happens to be the selfless lover highlighted here. He has always been such an example to me of selflessness and is always patient with me as I work through my selfish tendencies. For the last week I have been sick and experiencing fatigue and daily debilitating headaches. I slept in all weekend, and on Sunday night I set my alarm for the usual 6:00AM, the time I need to wake up to get my three kids ready for school. Honestly, I’m brought to tears even writing this because of the selfless love my husband shows me on a regular basis. As I laid down in pain to go to sleep, Chris immediately said to me “just sleep in tomorrow and I will get the kids up and take them to school.” Even though this isn’t a new thing for him to do, it made me feel so loved and cherished, and challenged me on my journey to loving him selflessly each day as well. 

For all I know, you’re reading this thinking “wow, Jamie is a selfish jerk.” Let me clarify a few things, struggling to be selfless doesn’t mean you are a terrible person, it just means you have a weakness that you need to strengthen. Chris has plenty (ha!), selfishness doesn’t happen to be one of them. Growing up I had to fend for myself. I was often alone in my thoughts and focusing on how to survive. I was always slow to accomplish tasks and lacked focus, which made doing things in general, especially things I didn’t feel like doing, frustrating for me. Additionally, as I got older nobody really helped me with these struggles, and as a perfectionist I leaned toward self-hatred when it came to personal difficulties. Self-hatred happens to be a killer when it comes to getting motivated for change. 

Additionally, I lean toward the phlegmatic temperament, also referred to as “the watcher,” I struggled within myself to serve others. It was hard enough taking care of myself. As I write this I am so thankful to God for helping me become more self-aware and less afraid of my flaws so I could allow Him to change me. 

You might be in denial about your selfish tendencies like I was. This can change, I assure you.

Start by asking yourself a few questions:

• How often do I go out of my way to do something I don’t feel like doing for my spouse?

• Has my spouse or anybody else ever accused me of being selfish?

• Is it hard for me to put others first?

• When is the last time I did a truly selfless act?

I want to encourage you that God has transformed me in this area and He can do the same for you. Yes, this takes intentionality on my part, but it also takes relying on God to help me when it’s hard. Let’s look at some things I have done to overcome selfishness and become more selfless in my life and marriage.

ADMIT the struggle and ask God for help. Start by praying and asking God to help you overcome selfishness. Make a choice to repent and turn from it. This is what I did and it made such a huge difference for me. Philippians 2:3-5 says “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.” Selfless love is both a representation of Jesus and a command for Christians to obey. Why? It was Jesus’ selfless love that saved us. It will be Jesus’selfless love working through you that saves and transforms your marriage.

Example prayer: “God, I repent and turn from selfishness in Jesus name. Please forgive me for my selfishness and help me to overcome. Help me to be selfless like Jesus was.” 

LOOK for ways to be more selfless. Intentionality is key here. What is something you can do today to love your spouse selflessly? It doesn’t have to be a huge thing either. Think of something that is important to your spouse, something that matters to them or that bothers them. Does your partner hate emptying the dishwasher? Make it a point to do it for them. Does your partner love a certain type of meal? Plan to make it for them. Is your partner struggling with a difficult life circumstance right now and in need of rest? Suggest they go do something relaxing alone while you take care of the kids. Is your partner having a hard day? Choose to take the time to encourage and pray with them. These things might seem small, but they matter tremendously! You can also pray and ask God to show you something selfless you can do for your spouse today that will show how much you love them.

PAY ATTENTION. Notice your selfishness and choose to challenge it. This was key for me. Once I admitted my struggle and asked God for help, I began to recognize selfishness quickly. When a selfish thought pops into your mind pray and ask God for help. Then make the choice to act against the selfishness with a selfless act. Over time you will get stronger, and being selfless will come more easily to you. You will see your marriage change right before your eyes. Being more like Jesus changes everything. 

You can do it!