Husbands Enjoy Sex More than Wives!? …Nah
Right at the jump, the unashamed intent of this post is debunking the lie that husbands want and enjoy sex more than their wives.
As a wife, I have quite a lot to say about this. In preparation for this post, I searched the internet for articles on this topic. Of course, there was a lot of good stuff out there. But some of what I found disturbed me greatly, although it did not surprise me. The lie that husbands want and enjoy sex more than their wives is continually fueled, most often by Christian men and women. To be honest, I am quite tired of it. I will explain the truth and what can be done to make the positive changes you need, not only in your mindset, but in your sexual intimacy as well.
Before I continue, I want to point out a few things:
1) The focus of this post is to debunk a specific lie, NOT to discuss the topic of sex in marriage as a whole.
2) Some women genuinely do struggle to become aroused or respond sexually due to underlying medical issues. In these cases, we strongly encourage any woman who is struggling, to rule out medical conditions that might be contributing, and if a condition is discovered - to get proper treatment.
3) Finally, this post does NOT apply to all marriages of course, as many couples have healthy and mutually enjoyable sex lives.
Part 1: The cycle of misunderstood sexual priorities
Indeed, there is some truth to the fact that men and women are wired differently. Men, as a general rule, think about sex more than women do. This is proven accurate based on various studies.
However, the fact that a wife might not think about sex as much as her husband, does NOT mean she does not experience the same (if not more) pleasure during sexual intimacy. The key is often her husband’s ability to pleasure her, which requires selfless focus and attention on her and her sexual needs. Once a woman realizes she is capable of being aroused and pleasured, her excitement and expectation for sex increases.
Unfortunately, when a woman does not believe she can be aroused and enjoy sex, she has it with her husband merely out of obligation, or to keep him happy and faithful. Sure, she may do this out of love for him, but it is ultimately an unhealthy practice, and certainly not the way God intended. Sadly, this is pushed by many Christian books and speakers. This way of thinking HAS to change!
Let me point out that if a husband is doing his part and his wife is still struggling to become aroused or to experience pleasure, there may be more going on. Consider the potential for unhealed pain or trauma, false beliefs about sex, unresolved marital conflict, or medical issues. All of these things can play a part in an individual’s struggle with sexual arousal and enjoyment. Shameless promotion: check out our book for additional help in all of these areas!
Let me explain further what makes this so difficult for many couples...it starts with a lie.
Part 2: The Great Lie
Men have been told repeatedly over the years, through innumerable sources, what we’ll call the great lie: that they want and enjoy sex more than their wives. Because of this, men en masse believe it to be true. Consequently, wives have been told to make sure they please their husbands sexually because it keeps them happy and protects them from infidelity – and many women believe it. Women have also been told that they cannot become as aroused or pleasured as their husbands, and many believe this as well. The sexual focus in the marriage is now put on the wife pleasing the husband, and the husband receiving pleasure from his wife. While little to no focus is placed on the husband learning how to pleasure his wife. And why would he? She doesn’t want it or enjoy it anyway, right? This sad cycle continues.
One root cause for this, which we hear often is the (claimed) fact that men might be more visual. Yet, women are highly sensory - something hardly spoken of. Is sexual intimacy not a visual AND sensory experience? And honestly, more sensory than visual. So, the fact that men may be more visual than women plays zero role in their supposed greater desire for sex.
Still, some will say women can enjoy sex without arousal or pleasure because they experience an emotional connection. Be brutally honest with yourself here if this is you - do you truly “enjoy” this, or do you simply get through it because you believe it makes your husband happy? I tend to lean toward the idea that this is what women tell themselves to make it easier and less uncomfortable. My heart breaks to hear of this kind of sex. This was not God’s plan and it is not His heart.
Speaking to wives here - God created you to experience sexual pleasure and enjoyment too. Let’s throw out all of these lies and work toward change.
Could it be instead, that women do not believe they want or enjoy sex as much as men because many of them haven’t experienced the fullness of sexual intimacy and true sexual pleasure in their marriage? This is our belief, and it is our hope that this will change.
If this “lie” is true, why are there countless marriages in which sex is barely happening at all? What goes wrong here?
Our assumption - pleasureless sex for the wife eventually becomes too much to bear.
And, this kind of sex is selfish, emotionally painful, and can even become abusive in some extreme instances. Not to mention downright boring for the wife! What woman could ever keep up with this? Not to mention, this was NEVER God’s intention, which we will get to next.
Part 3: Uncovering the truth - the NEW cycle of sexual priorities
There are a lot of husbands out there who believe that their wives, not only don’t need or want sex, BUT are then incapable of becoming as aroused as themselves.
SO, what happens when a good husband realizes this is all a huge lie? He gets excited and starts learning everything he can about what arouses his wife, how to pleasure her, and then starts doing it. This leads to so many beautiful changes in the marriage!
My advice for a couple who figures this out: make sex all about HER for a while until you BOTH learn what you need to learn.
Husbands, you will find that your enjoyment and arousal during sex increases significantly through focusing on pleasuring your wife! You will realize just how much you have been missing in focusing solely on your own pleasure. Not only that, when a wife understands what she is capable of experiencing, she gets even more excited about pleasuring her husband!
The NEW cycle? The husband makes his goal during sex to please his wife and in doing this, receives pleasure from her equally. The wife makes her goal to receive pleasure from her husband and pleasure him equally. Both are now equally aroused and pleasured! It becomes powerful. And guess what? The wife starts initiating sex more often because she now knows there will be mutual enjoyment and connection. This is no longer obligatory pleasureless sex. Can you even say that phrase without getting sick to your stomach!? I can’t.
Part 4: God’s Word & intent for sex
Many of the books and articles that contribute to the “sex as marital duty” lie seem to think the Bible supports their claims.
Let’s take a look and see what we find in scripture.
But before we do that, I want to point out first, that God made the female body with the incredible ability for sexual pleasure. A woman is capable of having powerful orgasms in more than one way, and more than one at a time! I wonder how many husbands and wives don’t even know this? Why in the world would God create this experience? Sure, it’s easier for the husband to have an orgasm, which may tell us something - God’s plan may be for the husband to work hard to bring his wife to the point of orgasm, rather than taking the easy out and please only himself. This is a journey of exploration and connection.
Selfish sex in which the husband is the only one receiving enjoyment brings little to no emotional connection for the wife. So we can safely say God designed a woman’s body for mutual sexual pleasure and enjoyment!
Regarding scriptural evidence, there is not one single verse that says sex is solely for the husband. NOT ONE. No verse which says women do not want or enjoy sex. So right off the bat we know the Bible does not back these claims. If you don’t believe me, I encourage you to go look for yourself. These unbiblical claims seem to be based only on how a man thinks, how society and the church has misconstrued sex, and how easily a man becomes aroused. Nothing more.
One of these main chapters in the Bible taken massively out of context to support obligatory sex is 1 Corinthians 7. Specifically verses 2 through 4.
“But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Let’s tackle this:
Verse 2: “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” This verse alludes to the fact that women are tempted by sex in the same way men are. Where there is no enjoyment there can be no temptation.
Verse 3: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Did you notice this says the husband should give to the wife her rights? What does this tell us? The wife has a right to sexual fulfillment in the SAME way the husband does.
Verse 4: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” This verse clearly lays out sexual equality in the marriage.
Further then, verse 5: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Again, this implies total sexual equality. A woman cannot be deprived of something that she neither wants nor enjoys.
It is clear in these verses that there is NO difference between the husband and the wife when it comes to sex and sexual pleasure or interest.
Let’s look at the closing part of chapter 7 as this one is also extremely important…
Verse 8 says, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Paul is clearly speaking to both men and women in this verse. To imply a woman may not be able to have self-control when it comes to sex and that she may “burn with passion” confirms a woman’s ability to be sexually aroused and her ability for sexual satisfaction.
One final point on scripture - let’s be reminded of Christ’s greatest command found in Matthew 22:39, “And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself’”
And Philip in this passage…
Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
What does this look like when applied to sex?
It means you don’t prioritize yourself. Flat out. If we do not apply this text through the lens of God’s commandment of loving your neighbor (this includes your spouse) as yourself and obeying his command to do nothing out of selfishness, you are likely disregard it. This verse was meant to be read and applied with these things in mind, so as not to allow for selfishness. And this can absolutely be applied to our sexual relationship with our spouses.
Part 5: Do it Differently
In closing, I suggest some action steps.
We encourage you to have a serious conversation about sex. Identify what you believe.
Ask yourselves the following questions and discuss together with openness and honesty.
Wives:
1) Do I experience pleasure & enjoyment during sex?
2) Do I believe my husband enjoys and needs sex more than I do?
3) Do I have regular orgasms?
4) Does my husband arouse me?
5) Is our time of sexual intimacy focused as much on my pleasure as it is on my husband’s?
6) Do I have sex with my husband to keep him happy and faithful?
Husbands:
1) Do I know what arouses my wife?
2) Have I taken the time to learn how to pleasure my wife?
3) Do I believe the lie that that she does not need or enjoy sex like I do?
4) Do I believe the lie that my wife enjoys sex even when she is not aroused or pleasured?
5) Do I believe the lie that sex is about me and my needs?
6) Have I experienced the excitement of making it my goal to pleasure my wife sexually?
Answering these questions will be the start of the healthy change your marriage needs.
We hope and pray for spiritually intimate AND sexually enjoyable marriages!