BuzzFeed Reaction: “27 People Who Got Divorced After 20+ Year of Marriage Share Their Heartbreaking Stories”
We read an article recently titled, 27 People Who Got Divorced After 20+ Years Of Marriage Share Their Heartbreaking Stories. This was more than just an attention-grabbing headline; it truly was heartbreaking. But as we read, it became apparent that while these stories indeed had such clear explanations of what went wrong, often the solutions were hidden within the post as well. Heartbreaking is certainly the right word. We walked away with some insights to help you either avoid these sad realities…or for those of you living them - find healing. We’ll break down a handful of these posts below.
The reality is, we learn a lot from the failures of others. And while sad, it is important to reflect on things like this to put preventative measures in place for your relationship. Understanding in advance, the things that might go wrong in your marriage - and anticipating this - can be greatly beneficial. If you stay aware and make the choice to confront issues, things can and will go differently for you than it did for these 27 couples.
After reading all 27 posts, we broke down a handful to discuss:
“We just poisoned the relationship from the inside out slowly.” This breaks my heart. The problem here is that this couple, whether realizing it or not, ALLOWED their marriage to slowly fall apart. This did NOT happen overnight. These partners likely noticed subtle shifts along the way and chose to ignore it. Little things compound. It is imperative to be on the offense. Pay attention. If something feels off or they noticed negative changes, these spouses should have spoken up. Not waited. Choosing to address the problem right away, even if it seemed small might have helped. Many people choose not to speak up because they assume their husband or wife won’t listen or will never change. Truth is, if you DON’T address it, there’s a near 100% chance things won’t change. Prayer and seeking God for strength, courage and even asking for the words to say can always help.
First - how horrible is it that this husband does not comment on how terrible the tragedy was that his wife suffered. That is glaringly obvious (and absent). The takeaway from this post is that he’s the one hurt and lied to. While there may be some justified pain from his perspective (yes, it may hurt that she didn’t trust him long ago with this pain), but it’s crushing that he can’t admit what his wife suffered, and be a bit more understanding (to say the least).
Second, is the critical importance of trust and transparency in marriage. This wife should have felt comfortable a long time ago to confide in her husband and share her pain and hurt with him. This is a tough one and invokes a much deeper issue that was likely going on to keep her silent on this all those years. What a devastating, but so avoidable, reason for divorce. This one is troubling.
“I asked myself is this what I want my life to be for the next 30 years?” Obviously this person had experienced a draining 30 year loveless marriage. Why? There could be so many factors here, that the original poster of course didn’t list out. It could have been an abusive marriage in which the spouse put up with and finally couldn’t take it anymore. But we’ll never know. Clear advice here - don’t wait 30 years. Sadly, they should have gotten help long ago. After investing so much time into a marriage, never quit without doing everything possible to repair it first. When one spouse becomes hardened toward the other, it’s easy to believe they won’t ever change and/or be open to getting help. They might just surprise you. So much of this goes back to making a choice to confront the issues rather than ignore or put up with them. Avoidance is never the right angle to take.
We find one spouse saying “I did it all.” We have heard this so many times and it’s deranged to say the least. One spouse doing it all, the other selfishly doing whatever they want. Listen, marriage is a partnership. This partner needed to understand that and take it seriously. The poor soul doing it all will eventually come to despise the other spouse. Add to that the stress and pressure of being responsible for everything. It’s no different in a job. Haven’t you heard of the boss who does nothing, while his or her team is slaving away? Everybody hates that person and eventually gets burned out. The same happens in a marriage. If a husband and wife choose to both work, they are also choosing to equally share all other responsibilities. It is MUTUAL partnership. Flat out. The mindset that it’s acceptable for one spouse to bear all the chores or child-rearing is ridiculous. That’s not a marriage partnership, it’s servitude. No one would enjoy that. Notice the theme however, avoiding conflict. This should have been addressed along the way. In fairness it probably was. But warning signs like this need to be called out and discussed.
Very ignorant husband here, unfortunately. He almost seems in shock that his wife wasn’t celebrating his need for an affair. “My wife could not accept that I needed this lifeline for that time.” Ummm what? Lifeline for that time? Sure buddy, you do you. Very clueless perspective on life, love, and commitment. No spouse should EVER be expected to condone or encourage their spouse’s infidelity. I feel like this doesn’t even need to be said, and yet this guy clearly missed the memo.
This husband’s behavior, followed by a lack of remorse, concluding with blaming his wife, screams narcissism. It’s no surprise that this marriage ended.
Instead, he should have vocalized his emotional “crisis” at 40 to his wife, instead of seeking it elsewhere. This may have avoided the demise. Based on the ego, perhaps not. Sad.
Wow. This one stings. The words of a now-adult child reflecting on their parents’ relationship is deeply painful here. Relationships do indeed need communication and understanding. It is evident that the love languages here were not clearly known and understood by the other spouse. This is dangerous because it can be so subtle and easy to miss. A really good reminder for us all of the importance of knowing what matters most to our spouses. Well said by the original poster “knowing how your partner gives and receives love is a big deal.”
Sex matters. There is often a cultural stigma that married couples have less sex, and sadly it seems this one falls prey to that. There are ALWAYS deeper issues going on then the absence of sexual intimacy. Always. The result was less (or no) sex, but that was NOT the cause. Something else was clearly going on. Sadly the lack of a sex life was the end of this marriage, but it’s so critical to poke into the reasons for a decline in sex between you and your partner.
Combining the two following (#24 & #25) as there are some similarities to draw out…
Self-centeredness is a true marriage killer. The commitment of a marriage is selfless by nature. It’s not intended to be for the benefit of one at the downfall of the other. These self-centered spouses are very confusing to hear about, as I can’t imagine they were “happily married” themselves either. This sounds dreadful. It’s stories like this which drive young adults to avoid marriage altogether, as it just seems outright miserable. Open communication is critical. These issues don’t manifest themselves after 25 years suddenly. They’re underlying problems that may slowly erode but then blatantly show themselves seemingly out of nowhere.
A significant overall observation is that half or more of these marital downfalls were said to be a result of cheating. In some of the infidelity cases, the spouse who wrote the story had the affair themselves and at times seem to almost condone their behavior and blame their partner. This demonstrates the poor character and lack of remorse by the individual. Notice the contrast of the pain then vocalized by the writers who experienced the heartbreak of being cheated on. Infidelity is undoubtedly one of the most painful things a marriage can experience. The darkest betrayal of trust and breaking of the marriage commitment.
A few other themes that are noticeable throughout: selfishness, lack of self-awareness, narcissism. Left unaddressed, any of these issues can cause the downfall of a relationship.
Final comment – a challenge here when reading stories like this is that we’re only catching one side of the story. And as with any marital challenges, there are always two perspectives. However, there are some clear takeaways and avoidable behaviors that caused the demise of these relationships.
As you read through the article for yourself, note your response to the post and what could have helped avoid the divorce.
What are your thoughts?
Original BuzzFeed article here.