5 Mindset Shifts for More Shared Connection with your Spouse

If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you have no doubt experienced periods where the closeness and connection seems off. This is normal and part of any healthy relationship. We each go through things personally that ebb and flow, highs and lows of our mental wellbeing, our work, our physical health, our relationships with others. It’s only natural this should happen periodically in our marriage.

These “seasons” should always return back to closeness, in order for our relationships to continue to grow in time and thrive. Often, however, there needs to be some extra effort put into the relationship to center it once more on love, closeness and connection. It’s this act of mindfulness that is your secret weapon in pulling you and your spouse together again.

Here are 5 mindsets to adopt which will lead to greater connection.

1.     Share Your Time

As the saying goes, time is our most valuable resource. It is also our most demanded. Work, kids, chores around the house, weekend plans, scheduled events, these things weigh on our time. Unfortunately, it’s easy to cheat the ones we love on our time, but it can happen. Sharing your time with your spouse is critical. If you only have a handful of hours during the week that aren’t restricted by schedules – make it count! Make the BEST possible use of your time together. This can ensure you stay connected, are aware of what is happening in each other’s lives and create more closeness.

It is also critically important to MAXIMIZE time with your spouse. Some of you reading this won’t want to hear it, and excuses will flood in. But, it’s true. If you WANT a closer marriage, you need to invest more time. Straight up. This is true of anything we want to improve. It is literally impossible to improve on anything without spending time on it. Our relationships are no different. Think about this if excuses mount on why you can’t spend more time with your wife or husband. Your connection potential is a direct correlation to time investment in your spouse.

2.     Share Fears

Intimacy is so much more than sex. Intimacy is closeness. Closeness emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And closeness requires vulnerability and openness. It cannot exist without this. Learning to become transparent with your spouse, if you’re not already, is of vital importance. This is WAY easier for some people than others, of course. Some of us are naturally NOT as open with our feelings. This is not a call to abruptly change who we are and how we communicate. But rather, a point of making progress with your openness.

Sharing our disappointments, concerns, fears, burdens, and hang-ups is a marriage builder. And here’s the thing – this MUST be reciprocated. You must also be available to listen, show genuine care and love to your spouse as they share with you as well. Be a good listener. An active listener. This is a two-way street.

3.     Share Dreams

Our dreams and ambitions are highly personal. Many of us protect them and guard them close. They’re intimate in a way. Yes, some people flaunt this all over social media, telling anyone who will listen about what their goals and dreams are. Good for them. Most of us however, are protective of this, even to our spouses in many cases. Unveiling our dreams and aspirations feels vulnerable. It may even feel uncomfortable. An unspoken desire to change careers, grow your family, try a new church, invest money differently, start a business. On the surface, these seem like normal thoughts, but on a deeper level, as these things are so personal, they can become things we don’t want to talk about.

Maybe it’s a fear of disinterest from our spouse, a fear of rejection, or a concern that the dream won’t be shared. That your excitement over a given idea would be shot down by your partner. THIS is why it becomes a moment of intimacy. Opening up and sharing these thoughts with them requires some barriers to be broken down. The perceived “risk” of telling your spouse about these things makes the act of sharing it feel more vulnerable, and in so doing, creates intimate conversation.

4.     Share in Fun

Remember when you were dating and you had fun all the time!? We’re not naïve enough to think every day being married is packed with fun. But to be fair, it’s impossible to sustain. The fun of dating is what it is – a seasons of newness. Of getting to know each other, making memories, and moving towards building a life together. It was never a possibility to maintain this same high level of excitement and energy. Life happens and our time gets spread out as it goes on.

However, it doesn’t have to rotate hard the other way either. There are without a doubt ways to KEEP having fun in your marriage. It just takes more prioritization perhaps than it used to.

Dating is important. I heard a quote recently that said, “if dating is what got you to marriage, keep dating to STAY married.” I love this.

BUT, having fun goes far beyond dating. And, how many of us while dining out, have looked across the restaurant and seen people miserable on a date. I have. One or both of them staring at their stupid phone, while the other awkwardly eats. Or arguing. Or sitting in silence. It’s sad. Dating does NOT equal having fun.

Create moments of fun to build memories. Be spontaneous. Make everyday life more fun. Quit allowing life to become more boring. Sharing in fun together will 100% help you fight off the doldrums of marriage and help you stay happily married longer. All the while creating more connection moments for the two of you.

5.     Shared Sexual Intimacy

Last on this list for a reason is sexual intimacy. Last for a reason because we firmly believe that this is a byproduct of the above, not a separate part of marriage. Sex is a package deal with a strong marriage. And if it’s treated independently, great sex will elude you and your spouse. Our post a couple weeks ago broke down some very significant myths and issues being promoted around married sex (check it out if you’re interested). Sharing our time, our fears, dreams and having fun together, WILL create opportunities for physical closeness. And not only this, but the actual sex itself will be far better when these other areas are being attended to.

Outside of these core areas (and no doubt we missed some), there are the everyday things that you should seek to share with your spouse. This is highly personal, but keep your eyes open and have a willingness to see opportunities in your every day to connect with your spouse. Sharing your morning coffee, sharing time on the couch each evening, share your interests and hobbies. Share a shower with your spouse…often!  And yes, controversial as it may be, a bedtime.

These “every day” moments will create a LIFESTYLE of closeness and connection with your partner.

Your marriage will flourish as a result.