Are Minor Problems Compounding in Your Marriage?
Those “minor” marriage problems. We’ve all got them. The behaviors our spouses do that get under our skin. The ways they do things, share things, communicate things. Their antics and idiosyncrasies.
At first, it’s natural to minimize these things or even ignore them altogether. I mean, how much of a big deal is it really that your husband doesn’t make the bed as quickly as you’d like. Or that your wife leaves hair on the sink. These issues, if we can call them that, certainly aren’t going to fracture a marriage after all.
This is incredibly common with newlyweds. As you begin sharing your life and space together, it takes all of a week to realize the little nuances of your partner’s habits and lifestyle behaviors. You would be highly abnormal if some things about your spouse didn’t bother you at all. I hate to break the bad news, but we ALL have weird ticks and habits. If you think you don’t, then you might have more than the rest of us!
Yet, because these things are so small and simple, the immediate response might be to let some of these things go. Sure, you might bicker about them, give and take some jabs about each of your pestering behaviors, but ultimately you should just move on, right? In the long run this will all work out and these dumb little things won’t be a problem. Or will they?
Easier said than done.
Indulge me in a diversion to the power of compounding interest. Einstein once called compounding interest the 8th wonder of the world. The concept as most of you will know, is that by investing your money and allowing it to earn interest (compound) with time, you can amass great wealth.
An initially small amount of money, when factoring time and interest rate, leads to something much larger.
Let’s take this concept back to our “minor” marriage problems. Small right? Insignificant? Stupid in some cases?
Like our finances and compounding interest, this is what occurs with problems in your marriage. They grow. But unlike our monetary investments, this is not a good thing.
Those nagging things that drive you crazy, they don’t usually disappear. You may be able to ignore these things for a time. And it’s possible and even likely that some of the small stupid things handle themselves, but on the whole it does not go down this way.
Why exactly does this happen?
Like hidden mold in a house, problems fester and eventually become toxic. As life throws more serious challenges into your marriage, small issues become magnified too. As spouses find themselves stressed with work, or raising children, or running chaotic schedules, dealing with other family dynamics, the strain of these burdens inadvertently puts more expectancy on the relationship. And the “minor” things start to get under our skin more and more…and more.
Ignoring the problems begins to prove itself as ineffective.
What happens next?
As time continues, a slew of emotions take over. Things escalate. Mere annoyance turns to dislike, and then anger, bitterness, resentment. These feelings create withdrawal in some partners and a “fight” instinct in others. This could mean more arguments and shouting matches over trivial (but compounded) things – or – it could mean lengthy periods of time with no verbal communication. And a host of variations in between. Regardless, the outcome of this compounding “interest” can sour a marriage. All it takes is some time.
Taking control of the minor problems
Getting a grip on these issues in your marriage sooner than later is going to be your secret weapon. And whether you’re newlyweds, in your first 5 years, or married several decades, there’s no better time to start than today. The quicker you can jump on these topics, address and resolve them, the better off you’ll be.
1. Let some of it go
Yes, let some things go. This may initially seem contradictory, but I assure you it’s not. Some of us are wound too tight and need to realize that. If the way your spouse applies the brakes in the car makes you that crazy you might need to check yourself. Like I tell my kids all the time, we’re all weird, just in our own way. Realize that some of the habits of your partner, you just need to deal with. There’s a line here, I know, but in general, really evaluating how “serious” something actually is before you make a fuss over it is a good starting point. And, in case you’re wondering, I’m an awful passenger if my wife happens to be driving!
2. Assess the situation
Take a real good look at your spouse’s behaviors and evaluate how much it really bothers you, the IMPACT to your marriage, and what YOU might do yourself to contribute to the problem. This helps frame up the scenario and get some more clear thinking added into the mix. By evaluating things in this matter, it removes some of the “in-the-moment” feelings that make you frustrated and you can better identify the root issue.
For example, if you’re frustrated that your husband doesn’t empty the trash as quickly as you’d like, blowing up on him over a full trash can is unlikely to get a good outcome. But if you think through it and instead, feel that you work hard in your areas of the household chores, and this feels like an area he is not helping, you can frame it differently and discuss openly. Which leads me to the 3rd point, communication.
3. Talk about it
This cannot be stressed enough. The whole intent laid out in this post is about how problems fester. How do they fester you might ask? By leaving them be that’s how. By NOT talking about them. By brushing things under the rug and ignoring them. This almost guarantees to magnify the problems. You must be willing to have openness in your marriage to get some of this out in the open.
Accusations, disrespect, condescension - these things have no place here. Communicating that way will make your problems worse, I assure you. But, when you show respect, grace, and humility, and are willing to share your feelings about the given topic or behavior, while remaining honest about it throughout, healthy conversation will follow.
This may not be easy, by the way. Confronting things rarely is. You may experience some pushback, defensiveness, awkwardness, and it might lead to some bigger conversation. If the things in conversation matter greatly to you and affect your marriage, I’m 100% convinced it’s worth it.
4. Remember the Trade-off
It’s important to remember the cost of NOT talking about these things. The word animosity comes to mind. 3 years of dealing with unaddressed and ignored issues that are slowly unraveling you may seem fine. 30 years of it? Not so much. Getting to the bottom of these problems quickly assures that the issue stays small. It prevents animosity. It gives opportunity for closeness. Saving yourself trouble of confronting things in the moment will not have been worth it in the long run. Remember that.
5. Check Yo’self
Seriously. Check yourself. Have a look in the mirror. Are there things that you do yourself, but expect your spouse NOT to do. Are there tasks around the house that you’re constantly chiding your husband and wife for, while simultaneously committing the same crime? Are there obnoxious parts of your personality that you just know drive your husband or wife crazy? It sounds funny, but it’s serious. It’s rare that we self-reflect on the things WE do that are annoying. And, shocker, we all have things we do that are annoying.
I’ve caught myself getting onto Jamie for being on her phone, she’ll leave the room and I remember something I meant to check earlier and grab mine…what a hypocrite! We all need to be more self-aware here. It will only help you (and your partner).
In the end, no shame - small problems are easy to dismiss. Those minor issues are easy to ignore. Avoiding conflict is natural. Sharing concerns openly over the minor things that get at you may feel strange. But committing to move past the truly trivial, assessing the situation, talking about it openly, looking at the alternative, and keeping yourself on the same standard will help aid these conversations and lead you and your spouse to a healthy resolution.
Don’t let the compounding of your small problems cripple your marriage down the road!