Embrace Your Differences for a Stronger, Happier Marriage

Do you expect your spouse to be just like you? 

In struggling marriages one or both partners do not like the other very much. They focus almost entirely on the habits and attributes of their spouse that drive them nuts, eventually leading to dislike and certainly a decrease in loving feelings. I have counseled many married individuals who tell me they can’t think of a single thing they like about their spouse.

Think about how significant this is for a moment.  

Most people (although I’m sure there are some), do not marry a person they don’t like. So what happens here to get the marriage to this point?

Obviously the answer to that question can be multi-faceted, but in this post I will focus on one major thing that causes this to happen. It can actually be broken down into two parts: 1) expecting your spouse to be just like you, and 2) despising the ways in which they aren’t. 

Let’s dive a little deeper into each of these dynamics.

Expecting your spouse to be just like you

While dating it’s easy to focus on the things you like and have in common with your partner. Maybe they love to spend free time in the same way you do, or they have similar future ambitions. Or maybe they share the same sense of humor and it’s so easy to laugh together! In these early months, and sometimes years, its often easy to ignore the rest.  

But what happens when marriage really sets in?  

Those differences that you ignored are suddenly glaring you in the face, driving you crazy. You start thinking things like, “why does he do things this way?” Or “who thinks like that?” Or “why is she so emotional and incapable of logic?” Or maybe, “why doesn’t he like to talk about everything the way I do?” “If he would just do things the way I do them it would be so much easier.” “If she were less emotional we wouldn’t have these issues.”

Wrong! All wrong. Thinking like this has to change, and it has to change quickly.  

When you expect something to be a certain way and it isn’t, you almost always end up disappointed. In marriage, it is critical to let your spouse be who they are. Allow them to respond to life based on their own personality rather than expecting them to respond based on yours.

What to do about it?

Create realistic expectations. Acknowledge that you and your spouse are two different people who see and respond to life in different ways. You have different likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. And this is okay!  

Early in our marriage I expected Chris to react to things the same way I did. When he didn’t, it confused and frustrated me. Chris expected me to be like him in ways too and got irritated when I wasn’t. We had to adjust these expectations and allow each other to be who we were and respond to life the way we were individually designed to. With some adjustments to bad behavior, of course.  

For example, Chris is very logical, he’s a thinker. He analyzes situations well, rarely overreacts emotionally, and comes up with quick plans for solutions. Although I can get to a solid solution, the way I get there is extremely different than the way he does. I am sensitive and emotional. I always have an initial emotional reaction to situations and express myself rather than repress. After I’ve processed my emotions and calmed myself I can then think through the facts of a situation and come up with a solution.

Guess what? Our solutions don’t always look the same either. This is okay! We have both learned to appreciate and respect these differences and have learned to stop expecting each other to approach life in the same way. Of course, I’ve had to learn to properly handle my emotional response and deal with it in healthy ways so I can get calm and logical, and Chris has had to learn to be more sensitive and allow emotion a place. How did we accomplish this? We helped each other. We chose to benefit from our differences verses get angry about them. So imagine how great it is for two spouses, one logical and one emotional, to come together in their approach to life. The same can be true when it comes to all our differences.

I want to point out that in this post I am not referring to abusive behaviors, significant character flaws, or trauma responses. In some cases, the things frustrating you do indeed need to be addressed eliminated. But that is not the intent of this post.

Despising your spouse’s differences

In my personal and professional opinion, marriages in which one or both spouses do not value their partner’s differences are sure to struggle and may end in failure. Why? Because this response leads to frustration, resentment, a lack of partnership, and a decrease in loving interactions. In these marriages, there is a heavy emphasis placed on changing each other and little emphasis placed on appreciating each other. While bad behaviors can and should be changed, personalities cannot be. As a therapist, sadly I have often worked with individuals who wish they were different. They focus so much attention on being something they are not, leading to exhaustion. I help these people identify their values, strengths, and personality traits, and then I encourage them to shift their focus to these positive things and how they can utilize them to find purpose in life. It will never work to try and be someone you aren’t, and it will never work to try to make your spouse be someone they aren’t either. Imagine the pressure and discouragement this brings on?

What to do about it?

Make the choice that you will learn to value and respect each other’s differences, and will stop trying to change each other. Then work on getting to know those differences in a more positive way. Maybe you don’t really know your spouse's personality at all, you just know what frustrates you. You can’t respect something you view in such a negative light. Take the enneagram or another similar personality test and then share your results with each other. Read up on your partner's type. Ask each other questions. Spend time getting to know each other’s personalities. Trust me. This makes a huge difference.  

Although I am a therapist, I do not like labels or boxes. Let’s just say I am slow to diagnose. I have seen how labeling can cause serious harm. I personally do not believe an individual fits perfectly into any “personality type.” Rather, I believe you can learn some interesting things about yourself and your partner by taking these tests and discussing the results. Just be cautious not to label each other or put yourself in a box you can’t get out of.  

As far as the enneagram goes, I fit best under the Type 4 Individualist, while Chris is the Type 1 Reformer. I have loved learning as much as I can about this amazing man I was blessed to marry. I have learned to appreciate and value his God given personality, which brings us to a crucial step for change - identifying how your spouse’s differences add value to your life.

Write down all the personality differences you discovered about your spouse. Then determine how these differences are special and can add value to you and your marriage. Learning to appreciate your spouse for who they truly are will make a huge positive impact on the relationship. Honestly, I thank God Chris is NOT just like me! If he were, so much would be missing in our marriage. The cliché “you complete me” truly does hold weight in a healthy marriage.

Takeaways: 

• Eliminate unrealistic expectations and create new realistic expectations. Specifically, the expectation that your spouse should be “just like you.”

• Take a few different personality tests, then read about your spouse's type. Next talk about what you learned together.

• Identify your partner’s traits and perceived weaknesses that frustrate you, then determine how you might benefit from them. Discuss this with each other.