4 Negative Marriage Expectations and How to Overcome Them
Expectations can be a real killer. This is true as parents (or as children), true of our team members in the office, true of any relationship really. But nowhere are our own expectations more front and center than in our marriage. The expectations we place on ourselves, and our marriage partner can cast quite an ominous shadow on our relationship if not careful. Negative expectations especially can set the tone and drag a marriage into despair.
Thankfully, like many things in life, we have a choice. We can choose to address negative marriage expectations and change our mindset.
Below are four negative expectations that I believe can kill marriages and what God's Word has to say about them:
1. Are any couples really best friends? It’s ridiculous to expect this in my marriage.
Genesis 2:24 says "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." In my opinion, being one with somebody translates to the deepest level of intimacy. This is knowing someone inside and out, and to me, this is what it means to be best friends. If you don't feel this way about your spouse, you might have this negative expectation in your marriage. I believe that a deep friendship is the key to everything in marriage.
2. It's okay to “check out” other women and men and watch pornography - this is normal.
If you expect this in your marriage you need to do something about it immediately! Nothing will kill your intimacy and friendship faster. God's Word has a lot to say about this. In fact, Matthew 5:28 says "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." God sees this as adultery, not a normal acceptable thing. I promise it will destroy your chances of having a godly marriage. If this is you, get help fast! Confess these struggles to your partner and start working toward healing and freedom.
3. Couples don’t have sex often after kids, that’s just the way it is.
This low expectation is a huge marriage killer. 1 Corinthians 7:5 says about sex in marriage " Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." This verse applies before and after children. There are other false narratives about sex that make this expectation worse. Don't believe the lie that it's normal for intimacy to dissolve after kids, this is certainly not God's opinion.
4. My husband or wife likely won’t meet my needs…and that’s okay.
Yes, it is true that God is the one who should ultimately be meeting your needs, but one way that He does this is through your spouse. In Genesis, God said that it isn't good for man to be alone so He made him a helper. As a wife you are your husband's helper, you alone are capable of enabling your husband to be the man he needs to be. In the SAME way, as a husband you are called to care for your wife in the same way that Christ cares for the church. This is huge! Expecting that you will meet each other's needs is critical to your marriage thriving. You have to talk to each other about what you need and work together to define what this looks like.
To clarify: having high standards and expectations WILL NOT prevent trials or conflict in your marriage. What it will do however, is enable you to face and overcome them, coming out stronger and closer than ever before. You don't have to be exceptional to accomplish this, you just need to fight hard for what you want your marriage to be and rely on God and His Word to help you do it.
I can promise you one thing, your marriage doesn’t become what you fear overnight. It’s a slow progression that results from low expectations and standards. Thankfully you can change this by changing your expectations and expecting what God expects for your marriage…greatness.
Next week, we’ll talk about more about HOW to set the right expectations in your marriage!