3 Simple Steps to Set the RIGHT Expectations in your Marriage
Last week we shared about negative expectations in marriage. This week, we get into how to set the RIGHT expectations in your marriage.
Along your marriage journey, you've possibly been given the advice: "If you want to be satisfied in your marriage, lower your expectations." This advice is awful - don't believe it. Instead, I believe couples who have high expectations and standards are more likely the ones who experience the most satisfaction and have lasting marriages.
Expectation is defined as "a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen." To put it plainly, what you expect is likely to turn into what will happen. Therefore, if you expect greatness in your marriage you will fight for it. If you expect anything less, you'll accept it. This is a pretty big deal in my opinion. I don't know about you, but I want my marriage to be great! Not just okay. Having high expectations, or better yet, expecting what God expects, is the way to achieve greatness in your marriage.
Don't be confused. High expectations are NOT the same thing as unrealistic expectations, in the same way that low expectations are not the same thing as realistic expectations.
God thinks highly of marriage and so should we. It is beyond me how we as Christians have been accepting of so much less than God desires for our marriages for so long. This truly needs to change if we are to reclaim what God has designed to be beautiful and satisfying. God tells us that men are to love their wives like Christ loved the church and died for her, and that women are to respect and honor their husbands as the great women of the Bible did before us. Not to mention…have you read Proverbs 31!? Biblical expectations for husbands and wives are seriously high if you ask me! So why are we ready and willing to accept such low worldly expectations for our marriages?
Lets talk about some ways to go about setting high expectations and throwing out the low ones you've allowed yourself to adapt to in your marriage:
1. Assess the expectations of your marriage
You must make the decision to want what God wants for your marriage. Anything other than this will leave you unsatisfied and longing for more. This doesn't just happen naturally because you're a Christian.
2. Define what this actually looks like
Simply saying you want a godly marriage isn't enough, you must know what a Godly marriage should be. If you're not sure, pick up the Bible and start reading! Honestly that's what I had to do. I didn't have a perfect example of a strong marriage growing up so I had to go to God's Word and figure it out. Defining your expectations will get you nowhere if you don’t implement the right behaviors.
3. Discuss it with your spouse.
Be honest about your hopes and fears. If you have never talked to your husband or wife about what you are expecting for your marriage, now is a good time to start doing it. This will put you on the offense. Don't wait until it's too late. Proverbs 27:12 says “A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself; The simple pass on and are punished.” Be on the lookout for those things that might threaten your marriage and guard against it.
If you do these three simple things, I promise you will notice when something’s off. And when this happens, because you’ve set these standards and talked about them, your natural instinct will be to do something about it. This doesn’t mean marriage won’t be a challenge, it means that you will be willing and ready to fight hard and win the battle.
For any of this to really work, you have got to let go of the low and negative expectations you’ve allowed yourself to have regarding your marriage. If you expect poor results – when they happen, you likely won’t do anything about it. You might think you can “just get over it” but this will not last forever, I promise you that. Not only that, but it will chip away at your marriage until you find yourself at the place you feared all along – in a marriage that is empty, maybe together for the kids, and generally headed for destruction. In a society with a divorce rate of over 40%, it's not enough to just assume this could never happen to you. Take these expectations to heart and make the positive change you need. You’ll see the results!
In the next post, we’ll talk more about how to reset with healthy expectations (read it here!).