4 Ingredients to Boost Your Marriage Connection

A strong connection is vital for a thriving marriage. Maybe you would say you don’t feel very connected with your spouse and you don’t know how to change this. This is a common marital struggle, and one I often here about in my individual counseling sessions with clients. I recently came upon a post I wrote 7 years ago on this topic and wanted to share it with you. These tips for connecting are as valid today for Chris and me as they were 7 years ago, and they are a big reason we have the intimate connection we do today. Read on to discover four ingredients for increasing your marriage connection.

The following is the original post from June 2016:

Recently while learning about Attachment Theory, I came across something referred to as PACE. PACE is a parenting technique for effectively nurturing your child’s secure attachment bond and stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. The funny thing is, while I found this helpful in raising my daughter, I also found it to also be a powerful method in improving my connection with my spouse. I have found that implementing these four things in my marriage has really improved our connection.

Let’s go into more detail as to how and why these four ingredients have proven useful in deepening my connection with Chris:

Playfulness:

To me this one is huge! I absolutely love it when Chris is goofy and works hard to make me laugh, doing silly things he would never in a million years allow anybody but me and our two-year-old daughter to see. We can honestly have so much fun! It’s good to be serious at times, but I’ve found that being playful and having fun really improves our connection and friendship. We recently purchased a Super Nintendo and are currently working on beating Donkey Kong (in extreme moderation, of course). This has brought us back to our childhood years and has been a blast! It might seem childish but enjoying this activity together and laughing our heads off at my weird faces and body movements while playing (as if me moving around will help Diddy make his impossible jump...) has been so much fun. Enjoying playful (and not so grown up) activities can do wonders for your marriage! Stop being such an adult all the time and have some fun!

Take Action: Think of a playful and fun activity you can do with your spouse and try it out this week. I don’t know, maybe it's going to the park and swinging as high as you possibly can, seeing who can jump off the furthest in midair! Get creative!

Acceptance:

There are no two people who are exactly alike. This is true for me and Chris and its true for you and your spouse too. Accepting each other for who we are and not always trying to change each other has been, I’ll admit a challenge, but has ultimately strengthened our relationship and helped us to see each other with a new appreciation. I’m not talking about accepting unhealthy and harmful habits or behaviors, as these types of things need to be changed. I’m talking about differences in personality that were placed there by God himself for a beautiful purpose. I am much more sensitive and understanding than my husband and much less organized. Sometimes my sensitivity can be a bit much for him to handle. God has used my sensitivity and understanding to enable me to counsel and support hurting people. Chris is so organized and diligent! He notices every single little thing, while I am oblivious to just about every small detail. I never put things back in the same place I got them and I never even notice. His organization and diligence make him an incredible leader of our home and enables him to accomplish so much. Early on we struggled to accept these differences, and others like them. After time this has become much easier and has been a huge relief. Allow your spouse to be who God created them to be, rather than trying to make them become just like you. This lifts the heavy burden created by trying to change each other.

Take Action: Make a list of all the traits in your spouse that have irritated you. Next to each trait write down something positive about it and how it makes your spouse a better person.

Curiosity:

I love it when Chris is interested in what I have going on, especially when I know it's not really his thing. This shows me that he’s curious about me and my interests, not just concerned with what he has going on. Even though I don’t really understand business, I love hearing him explain it to me and tell me about his ventures. While business may not be my thing, it is Chris’, so what he loves I love! I know how much it means to him when I ask him about what he’s working on and genuinely listen.

 Curiosity is defined as a strong desire to know or learn something. (Updated note: This reminds me of a recent viral TikTok thread I saw about the “Bird Test”). Ask your spouse to teach you something new that they love to do. I love it when Chris seems curious about the new theory I’m studying or book on emotional bonding I’m reading. Believe me! I know for a fact this isn’t his thing, so having him intently listen to me go on and on about it really means a lot to me!

Take Action: Think of something your spouse loves to do and get curious about it. Ask them to teach you something new and truly engage.

Empathy:

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The difference between empathy and sympathy is that sympathy involves your own feelings and empathy involves the feelings of another. Early on in my marriage I was so insecure! Whenever I noticed Chris was bothered, I immediately assumed it was something I did and I sought out to fix it, all so I could feel better about it. I wasn’t really concerned with how he was feeling, but rather with how it made me feel. This was definitely hurtful and caused more issues. When you are less focused on yourself you are better able to focus on the other person and what they are going through. Feeling what they are feeling. Pay attention to your spouse's facial expressions and body language. It can be easier than you think to notice something is off. When you notice something is bothering them, ask what’s going on and really focus on paying attention to what they are feeling. Try to imagine how it must feel yourself. Learn how to listen and not just offer solutions. Say something like, “wow this must be so difficult for you, I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” Instead of, “well maybe if you tried (solution) it would get better.” It's not all about the negatives either. When your spouse is excited or encouraged – experience this with him or her as well! Both rejoicing and sorrowing together are huge connection builders in a marriage.

I want to point out my insecurities early in my marriage we’re not Chris’ fault, but were things I had to personally work on healing. With God’s help and a willingness to address hard things, this greatly improved and had less impact on our marriage.

Take Action: This week, practice looking for cues that signal your spouse's feelings. Try to experience and understand these feelings and let them know about it. Express how much you care about what your spouse is experiencing.

Good luck working through this P.A.C.E. model and what it can do for your marriage!