Avoiding Divorce Should Not Be Your Marriage Goal – Here’s Why
At the time of this post, divorce rates hover around 42%. So bluntly speaking, 4 in 10 marriages fail. It would only be a normal response to say that a married couple should stirve to avoid divorce, right? Certainly sounds reasonable. I will make the case that avoiding divorce is NOT the goal we should set for our relationship. Instead, we should try to achieve success. Our goal should be to have a successful marriage, NOT avoid divorce.
So, why isn’t avoiding divorce the right goal for a marriage?
Because avoiding divorce is a fear-based mindset. While it may seem like a noble goal to stay together no matter what, it often misses the point of what marriage is meant to be. A marriage built on the premise of simply “not getting divorced” can lead to complacency, resentment, and a lack of growth. Instead, aiming for a thriving, joyful, and intimate relationship should be the goal. Ultimately this is a fear-based perspective. A couple may be afraid of divorce and therefore spend all their energy trying to avoid it.
Then, what happens when the fear of divorce becomes the focus?
When the primary focus is avoiding divorce, couples may tolerate unhealthy patterns, neglect emotional connection, or avoid addressing difficult issues. Staying together just for the sake of staying together can create a stagnant relationship where neither partner feels fulfilled. Moreover, this fear can prevent both people from being vulnerable and truly investing in the marriage. If avoiding the divorce is the goal, they may be trapped from working to improve their marriage and experience it to the fullest.
What about what the Bible says (in speaking out against divorce)…isn’t it enough to stay married simply because God opposes divorce?
It’s true that God values the covenant of marriage. However, staying in a marriage out of obligation rather than desire is not what God intended. God’s design for marriage is for it to be a reflection of His love — a relationship marked by selflessness, growth, and genuine care for one another. A loveless, dishonoring marriage that merely avoids divorce is not honoring to God either.
But how does focusing instead on building a successful marriage benefit both partners?
When both spouses commit to building a strong, joyful relationship, the dynamic shifts from mere survival to flourishing. Here’s how focusing on success, rather than avoidance, benefits your marriage:
Intentional Growth - You’ll address issues as they arise, fostering personal and relational growth. Open communication and mutual support become the norm.
Emotional Connection - Prioritizing emotional intimacy strengthens your bond, making both partners feel valued and secure.
Increased Joy and Fulfillment - When couples invest in quality time, shared experiences, and mutual goals, the marriage becomes a source of joy rather than a burden.
Better Intimacy – A byproduct to focusing on improvement, positivity in your marriage, maximizing your excitement and happiness, and drawing closer together – sexual intimacy will naturally improve. A deeper sexual desire and fulfillment will result.
Resilience During Challenges - Marriages rooted in growth and understanding are more likely to weather difficult seasons together, emerging stronger.
A Healthy Legacy - Demonstrating a vibrant marriage sets a positive example for children, friends, and your community.
So what if one partner frequently threatens divorce?
Using divorce as a threat can inflict deep emotional wounds and create insecurity in the relationship. It erodes trust and fosters a fear of abandonment. If this is a pattern in your marriage, it’s important to address it through open dialogue or professional counseling. Seeking help doesn’t mean your marriage is failing; it means you value the relationship enough to pursue healing.
What practical steps can couples take to shift their focus from avoiding divorce to building a successful marriage?
Set Shared Goals - Discuss what a thriving marriage looks like to both of you. Establish shared goals for communication, intimacy, finances, and family life.
Commit to Growth - Prioritize growth as individuals and as a couple. This might mean reading books on marriage, attending workshops, or seeking counseling.
Practice Forgiveness and Grace - No marriage is perfect. Choose to extend grace, apologize when needed, and actively work toward reconciliation.
Celebrate Your Wins - Regularly reflect on your progress. Celebrate milestones, both big and small, and express appreciation for your partner.
Stay Connected Spiritually - Pray together, seek God’s wisdom, and invite Him into your marriage journey.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is not simply about avoiding failure. It’s about pursuing something beautiful, meaningful, and life-giving. When you shift your focus from avoiding divorce to building a successful marriage, you create a foundation of love, respect, and resilience. Invest in your relationship, cherish your spouse, and work together toward a future that leaves no room for thoughts of separation.
Remember, a thriving marriage is possible — and it’s worth every effort.