5 Ways Your Down Time Might Kill Your Marriage

Ah down time. We all crave it. We all need it. There never seems to be enough of it (I feel like there’s some country song in here?). But for real, most of us can’t seem to get enough down time. Time is precious and a resource we can often find ourselves in very, very, short supply.

When we DO indeed find this sweet, sweet, space of free time, the next problem becomes the plethora of things vying for that time. So much fighting for these moments, that it can almost cancel out the pleasure of the free time to begin with. So frustrating.

And while the ways we spend our free time are so highly personalized to us individually, there are some significant vibes that this time sends about our marriage. And although it may not be so directly spoken, these “vibes” are worth thinking about. If we’re not careful this down time might kill your marriage.

Subtle or not, here are 5 ways this can happen:

1.  Your relationship with WORK

Absolutely and without a doubt the first thing that may come to mind when we think of our free time. Work. Often, because our free time, or lack there of is (far-too-often) dictated by our work. How grueling our jobs can be is NOT to be underemphasized. This is a very real thing. We’re not going to get into the effects of work on our marriage (although, that’s a great idea for another post!). However, what is worth getting into here, is our relationship to it.

We all need to work. Maybe not the self-acclaimed financially independent millionaire, but most of us. Business owner, employee, or full-time volunteer, our work demands of our time. We spend nearly as much time at work in a given week as we do sleeping, so this is a big deal.

But, if you find yourself wanting to stay at work later, constantly taking on the extra projects, looking forward to the next trip out of town, there may be some underlying issues. The key word is wanting. What is your desire? Our desires speak volumes about our priorities. When our top priority is our work, our career, our ambitious progress, other things will suffer. And it’s possible the other “things” include your marriage.

Work can be an amazing “cover” for marital challenges. It’s a natural excuse. Be aware of this and ensure that you don’t end up in this category. Maintain a healthy relationship with your work.  

2. Where the kids are prioritized

I’ll come right out and say it, we are 100% believers that your spouse comes before your kids. We dedicated a whole chapter to this in A Little Book for a Bold Marriage, and for good reason. People get this so wrong far too often. Our kids take up a lot of our time, yes, this is true. They take more mental energy, more physical energy, and therefore, will take as much time as you give them. Obviously, there is a point where this is necessary, so in no way is this post condoning neglect of any sort. However…if you’re running ragged with your free time on kids events, their schedules, games, practices, rehearsals, church activities, sleepovers, play-dates, and then have nothing in the tank after – this is not a good thing.

Going all out for your kids IS at the expense of your marriage. I know it might not be popular to say, and it might be hard to hear, but it’s true. When you leave no energy for your marriage, you are sending a loud message to your spouse about where they fit. And, make no mistake, your kids as they grow up will absolutely pick up on these vibes in your marriage. This is also a big part of why many couples divorce after the kids leave the house. Be very wary of the prioritization given to your children. There must be balance here, and a big investment made in down-time with your spouse.

3. Screen time

It’s ridiculous to even have this on the list, but alas, 2024, am I right!? Our pricey, addictive little devils are quite the time suck. Everyone is guilty of this in some form or another. Even the most astute - “Janet has their notifications silenced.” “Janet” still struggles with screen time in some way, I assure you. The addictive nature of our phones is truly crippling, no one can dispute that anymore. We take them everywhere and use them anywhere - including while on the toilet (!?). But when scrolling Tik Tok, reading your Apple News Feed, and scanning the ‘Gram eat hours into your evenings, there is a line which, innocent or not, gets crossed. The image of a married couple, TV on, seated on opposite ends of the room, each on their iPhone is NOT a marriage building moment.

Of course, we all desire some down time as mentioned at the start, and catching up on friend’s Facebook posts, shopping on Pinterest, or laughing over Tik Toks might genuinely be how you like to spend your spare time. Criticizing this is not the intent at all. But, when those things take over, keep an eye out. Thankfully, we all now have our fears confirmed (thanks for your honesty Zuckerburg), that this addiction is the inner wiring behind social media. So no more deniability on that!

If spending hours a night on your iPhone is how you choose to spend your weeknight free-time with your spouse, I beg you to ask the question – what does this say about how I feel towards that spouse? 

And before we move on, I’ll share a not-so-proud moment that I only wish had happened once. When my wife comes home late from the office, and I happened to be in the middle of something on my phone (an email, reading news, scrolling on Amazon) - I barely look up, instead smiling and saying hi, while staring at my iPhone. So disappointing. This is NOT okay. Jamie deserves my full attention. And for what? A tweet I could read later? News that is not personally important to me? An email that can wait. Time with our partner is so important. Life goes fast and the moments matter.

4. Church!

Yes, church! Can you believe I said it!? This is real. Church, volunteering, service projects, humanitarian efforts, anything of the like, can absolutely be a down-time killer for your marital closeness. Filling every extra free hour with serving others seems like such a noble effort. Spending time this way is one of the most self-less things we can do as a thoughtful human, let alone as a believer. Giving of ourselves takes effort and energy, pulls on our time, and is true sacrifice. It’s incredibly rewarding and life-giving. 100%! I would advocate that everyone reading this find ways to give back and serve others. You will only be better for it.

This turns problematic when there is an over-rotation of church involvement to the deficit of any time for your spouse. Sadly, I think this happens too often with those who work in ministry. Pastors and their spouses are highly challenged in this area as the needs of others are so pressing and unending. This category is perhaps the most difficult because of the highly positive aspect of giving our time to others. But it is a very real issue, nonetheless.

Too much time sacrificed FROM spouse and children creates gaps in closeness and a rift to develop. As we give of ourselves beyond a reasonable limit we cheat our spouses. Flat-out.

5. Hobbies

I’ll keep this one short. Everyone needs to have hobbies. Interests and enjoyable activities give so much pleasure and fulfillment to our week and help keep our lives from becoming monotonous. I would heavily advocate for you finding not just hobbies, but also hobbies that you enjoy with your spouse.

When your “hobby” however, takes an exorbitant amount of time or keeps you from spending any time with your spouse, it might be time to address it. When your “girls trips” prohibit you from getting any weekends away with your husband, probably not a good thing long term. Golf with the “boys” on Saturdays turning into an 8 hour ordeal every week (Mark Wahlberg is hilarious on this BTW), and then your wife getting the extras…yeah, same deal. Not at all saying these specific things, or having hobbies is bad - quite the opposite actually. Instead, consider the time devoted to your interests, and whether it’s impacting your marriage.

Hopefully you see the trend. This list is by no means exhaustive, nor was it meant to be. What is common amongst this list (and any others) is that many of these items aren’t bad in and of themselves (okay maybe the screen time, for sure). HOWEVER, the problem is that they may be masking issues in your marriage. You may pour into your kids because you don’t have any desire to spend extra time with your wife. You may stay at work or in the home office late, to avoid sitting down with your husband. You might volunteer for everything at church to keep yourself so busy you’ve got no spare time for a date with your partner. You scroll on your phone because you may be bored with your spouse and trying to find a distraction.

I am NOT saying this is the case. What I’m saying is that it’s worth asking the question. Or questions…

How you spend your down time together says a lot about your marriage, and there are key questions you must ask yourself.

·      With your limited free time, do you do things mostly together or alone?

·      Is your work/kids/church/fill-in-the-blank an escape?

·      Do you desire more time with your partner or less?

·      When you have free time with your spouse do you anticipate it or dread it?

Time is our most precious resource. We have limited amounts of free time. How we spend it matters. And how we prioritize our spouse within this free time speaks volumes.

Ask yourself the tough questions. Give it some thought and have a conversation.