The Answer to all your Marriage Money Problems

Out of the gate I’m really fighting the urge for a cheesy “mo’ money, mo’ problems” reference. For real though, a twist to the lyrical mention could be once you’re married, more money problems. Money is without a doubt at the top of the list when it comes to marriage stressors. In fact, some statistics even reveal that money problems are the root of 20-40% of divorces. Money is consistently one of the top 2 reasons couples fight. It’s a real thing.

Do we have THE answers to all your money problems!? No. But do you? YES!

Allow me to explain… 

I am convinced that most money problems in our marriages are a result of 3 core reasons: 1) a lack of a financial plan, 2) disagreements about money, & 3) poor or no communication about finances.

The good news is that these three things are absolutely fixable!

 Let’s outline the problems first:

1 - Lack of a financial plan

Many couples marry and don’t know what to do with their finances. It could be for independency reasons – husband and/or wife each earning a great salary and unsure about blending finances. Each of them feeling like they independently have things under “control”. No collective financial plan for their marriage. On the opposite end, another common reason is a disorganized or shotgun approach to money. This could be for a number of deeper, underlying reasons but ultimately this couple may not think much about their finances. Instead assuming things will work out naturally or not, without needing to intervene. While well-intentioned, think of this as a spontaneous viewpoint on money. It might work out, and it might not. Sometimes, unfortunately, couples can find themselves in a temporarily crippling situation because they are desperate for MORE money. It could be the loss of a job, medical expenses, taking on risk to start something new, any number of things. The result is a state of despair about your finances, which may (though not always) detract you and your spouse from creating a plan together. By the way, this was Jamie and I for a good while early in our marriage. So from experience, I assure you, there is hope.

2 - Disagreements about money

This is a very real problem and it’s impacts are significant. It is easy to disagree about money. It evokes emotion and opinions quite easily. It reveals things about us, and requires us to be accountable to our partner. It’s exposing. Sources of disagreements range from spending and savings habits, importance placed on certain possessions, prioritization of expenses, lifestyle desires, and believe it or not the upbringing of each spouse matters greatly. A spouse growing up in a home with a lower income than their partner will have a naturally different stance than an affluent upbringing. These things matter greatly.

3 - Communication

Talking about money is hard. For all the reasons we just covered above. It’s easy to avoid talking about money, especially when there is disagreement or problems. In severe cases, couples may even hide purchases from each other in an attempt to avoid conflict. And when we do talk about money, with these situations present, the communication rarely goes well. Accusation, shaming, arguing, poking fun, and worse; these discussions can go poorly, very poorly. The result is then hugely ineffective. Nothing gets accomplished and instead cracks in the marriage show up.

Ramsey Solutions did a study which found only 45% of marriages deemed “okay” or “in crisis” talked about their finances. Compared to 94% of those in “great” marriages. Translation: Talk about money! 

This is quite the hairball of a problem, and it crushes marriages if not taken seriously. Solutions range from budget tracking apps, to debt freedom plans, and more. But in reality without a comprehensive plan, we’re just treating the symptoms, not the underlying disease.

With the correct approach, we can get to the bottom of the money issues once and for all.

Your Solution:

First, create a budget

Yes, Dave Ramsey fans rejoice…budgeting. Making a budget, discussing it, AND agreeing to it is critical. Especially if you’re in financial trouble. And by the way, money problems do not ONLY impact marriages if there is financial trouble. This is a common myth. Money issues challenge marriages across the spectrum of wealth, and while perhaps it is most often seen in those financially constrained, this is absolutely not the only culprit.

Creating a budget is effectively step one of your plan, as we mentioned earlier. Having a financial roadmap as a couple is essential. No more split finance (BTW, Investopedia cites failure to pool earnings as the #1 marriage killing money issue!), no more rogue purchases, no more avoidance. A budget will get your spending and expenses out in the open and force discussion. It will be hard, yes. It may cause conflict, yes. But without the budget discussion (and ongoing conversations), the situation will never change. The financial plan for your marriage starts with a budget. As legendary business management guru, Peter Drucker famously said, “what gets measured, gets managed.” Case in point.

Commit!

We’re huge on commitment. No matter what it is, we can all talk a good game, but will we commit? Money is no different. Let’s say you’ve had the conversations, the long talks, gotten agreement on your budget, started to take control of your finances, and good things seem to be in the works. But if you and your spouse don’t commit to your financial plan and these sound habits, nothing will stick. You’ll continue to find yourself battling the same recurring issues over time. A commitment will anchor you to your habits. One more point to make here, as you’re committing to a solution, make one more commitment – no more blame game. Accusations towards your spouse about their money habits have no place in your solution together. Drop this immediately and move forward with your plan.

Make a Dream

What’s your together plan? Have you ever thought about your financial freedom together? Whether it’s being debt-free, taking more vacations, giving more generously, quitting your corporate job. Whatever the dream is for you, talk about it with your spouse. Build a dream to your financial future together. This is essential. Not too mention, dreaming together is a critical marriage-builder! Ramit Sethi calls this “designing your rich life.” Love that mindset. Creating a dream for your finances and being unified on it will bind you and your spouse together, but it will also reinforce that commitment we just talked about.

Bouncing back for a moment to our personal journey I mentioned earlier…dreams were a huge piece of getting us out of our financial situation. We were paycheck-to-paycheck (if that) for quite a while living on one very meager salary. But what we did well was stay resolute to not stay there. We dreamt constantly about the future and what it might look like. This drove us to create a solid plan and execute on it. The same can happen for you and I’m convinced it will. Dreaming is a big part of this. Do it together.

We agree that finances are a contributor to our marital stress. If left untended this easily avoided imp can transform into a monster complete with blow-up arguments and sadly increase your chances of divorce. We outlined the three primary causes for money issues in marriage: 1) lack of a plan, 2) disagreements, and 3) not communicating. The solutions can be consolidated into treating these exact causes: 1) make a plan (and a budget), 2) commit to it, 3) build your financial dream.

DISCUSS. THIS. TOGETHER. If you read the post, agree, but never start talking about these things with your spouse, you’ll remain stuck. We’ve got to get into discussions with our spouses about money. Talk, plan, commit, move forward.